ShoeString

Oh ! Hello Mister ! Do I know you? Ah,I see I know you too well. Please do not mind the mistake on my part. The darkness did me in, and you are so diminutive.

You have known me since day one, you say. How could have I not noticed you, if that was the way things stood? I refuse to believe in you. Yes, I agree I have been keeping busy and preoccupied since a long time. Probably that was why I was surprised when I saw you last week.

As you might have noticed from down there, I tend to be meticulous. And when I first saw you, I overreacted. I understand you are a tiny bit of fibre precariously attached to the stitches on my shoe and prima facie, are harmless. But you are such a disturbance.

You say you appear to be a disturbance only when I visually mutilate you and not otherwise. Well, I will agree here too. Otherwise, I am not too bothered about you. Though I understand I can clip you off, I don't. Too much of a bother, I realise.

You say I like you being where you are. You are probably right. And I hate you for that. You make me feel I am being dishonest with myself. But yes, you are right.

As I walk down the barely deserted morning roads of the city, I try to bring in that step which I was so proud of. Of course, no one knew of it. Sounds so girlish, doesn't it? And you are not going to give me that smile again. I like my music you see. I try to walk to the beats and I sometimes wonder what onlookers think of me. Oh ! You enjoy the steps you say? I will take a bow here.

I know I walk fast one too many times. How else do I vent all the wrath filled inside of me. If you are going to give me the "vent it on the person who deserves it" explanation you better refrain. I have got a credibility to protect and I would go through anything to guard that. People count me amongst the nicest persons, you see.

You say I start trembling when someone points my flaws out to me. Yes, I do. Does that make you feel less comfortable? I will try and be honest here. All my life I have tried to be too perfect. What? Perfect is superlative in itself and I need not add "too"? I will, nonetheless, only to signify my exaggerated attempts at attaining perfection. Blame it on my mother. All through my life I have tried to do justice to her expectations of me being a superhuman. I have always second guessed every decision I have taken. I am never satisfied with whatever I do, you say? How do you come up with such perfect inferences? Whatever, yes. I do live with the fear of "did I go wrong again?". So the insecurity I develop when someone questions me is only human.

How long will I take to get done with it? I do not know mister. I do not know. So you have to bear with me for some more time.

Yes, I know I smile at you every morning, when I sit cross legged. Of course, it is the only time we sit face to face. You will not like it if I reveal the real reason behind my smile. I smile at myself and not at you. And that because I forget clipping you off every evening.  You will not mind, you say? I take you so much for granted, don't I? Ha Ha Ha.

I do everything but whatever I am supposed to do? Maybe I am getting too old. You do not agree with me? And why am I not surprised? You warn me of honesty, I see, and I will try my level best. I have never ever wanted to be the person that I am now. The maxim "follow your heart" has always ended up being an oxymoron in my case. I am not this science loving, logical geek the world thinks I am. I have wept to music and reflected upon pictures. I have imagined myself in scenes from books and reveled in colours. I have dreamed of being a photographer, a writer, and once upon a time, a painter.

Why do I sing when no one is around? Is that any of your business? Oh, you are a part of my life, you insist and you are confident of me agreeing with you as well. Well, yes I do sing in solitude. And believe me, it works like magic. Lets me live the dream of a wannabe singer. I am very predictable you say? Do you know me too well?

I know I shake my legs to often. You insist I feel out of place at times. And are you not being so rude now. You got me, again. And it is not at times that I feel out of place. I feel out of place almost every time. I think too much? You are right, probably.

You complain against me chucking you into the shelf and bolting the door behind me. Do you not need your space and I mine? And am I not so right this time? I like that concurring smile.

Impatient, you say? And I have been culturing this thought that I have been a patient man ever since that trip back home. I am always in a hurry to finish things up and that has worked well with you, I see. But you must understand that I am only human. But how would you, eh? You are just another abiotic piece of human indulgence. Now let me have my time of the day.

Good morning mister. You smile at me and ain't that sarcastic? Oh! You are pointing at the "abiotic" crap I gave you yesterday. Alright, I agree, you were right. I notice you everyday, but just don't react. But I realise you have indeed become a part of my life and I will think twice before finally clipping you off. You smile again, eh?

Ain't that the same one you had smiled a while back? I know you too well.

That One Moment

It was late in the evening when I returned from my practice match.

"If only I had a Sunny Tonny !!! Would have nailed Nadeem right to the pavilion."

"Nah.. Nadeem is master class. Come on. His father was the most amazing medium pacer I ever played against. Got me eight times in seven games, you see."

"Abba, you never graduated from university level cricket. Zonals are different."

"Dude, the same university had the likes of Mushtaq Mohammad, Zaheer Abbas and Javed Miandad playing alongside us. Can the current crop ever match the greatness of these stalwarts. Moreover, look at the sad state of the team. Filled with fixers and bookmakers."

"Abba, we just whitewashed the top test team, England. The same team that had steamrolled the world champions last summer. Misbah is bringing in a revolutionary change and all the youngsters are up to it. Why should the whole team take the blame of what some numskull did for a few extra rupees? You will never credit the younger generation with what they deserve, will you?"

"You win buddy. Dinner?"

"What's for it?"

"Daal roti"

"Not again. We had some eggs right. How about egg curry?"

This was among the many similar evenings that we father-son duo shared. Shahid, my father, was a banker and used to be an aspiring cricketer in his university days at Peshawar. A tough Pathan, he had to give up only because a freak accident resulted in the amputation of one of his legs. Abba never complained, and this was not the sole incident which was the recipient of such privilege. Abba, amongst the most patient persons ever to have graced Planet Earth never complained. This led to people taking him for granted one too many times. But Abba never complained.

"Abba?"

"Yes Mr. Soon-to-be-Sachin Tendulkar"

"I have a match this week."

"And aren't you going to nail Nadeem this time. You have worked hard."

"Abba, Nadeem is master class. He has played under-19."

"You must remember one thing son. Never look at the bowler. It's the cherry you must focus on. You are destined for the big league. Just follow your instincts."

"Did you have to leave today Abba? Can you not stay for till the weekend?"

"I need to go Nadir. Lahore has better doctors you see."

"Abba, you just need to quit smoking. You do not need doctors."

"Your bhaijaan will have my head if I do not get to Lahore this time."

"You should have been with me Abba. You always listen to Bhaijaan."

"I wish I could son. But I really think I should be paying the doctor a visit now."

And Abba left for Lahore.

"Hello. Abba?"

"Its Qadir dude."

"Adaab Bhaijaan. Abba reached?"

"Yes, Abba just reached. He's gone to freshen up."

"I hate you Bhaijaan. You could have scheduled the appointment for next week. I could have joined in"

"Lahore is a busy city kiddo. And getting an appointment with Dr. Jehangir is almost rocket science. Chalo, I will give you a call later. Have a wonderful match and all the best with Nadeem."

"Shukriya Bhaijaan."

I was upset with Bhaijaan. How could Abba not be with me for a match? My performance in this match could get me into the zonal side and I was nervous. I somehow managed to hold myself for the weekend match. And I played fairly well. I scored 45, and managed to score three boundaries off the reverse swinging yorkers of Nadeem. I was confident.

"Hello. Bhaijaan?"

"Hey Kiddo, how was your match?"

"It was good. I scored 45."

"You won?"

"It ended in a draw Bhaijaan. But we went through to the quarter-finals by the virtue of an earlier win."

"God bless you kiddo."

"I want to talk to Abba. Please pass the phone to him."

"Abba has gone out for a walk kiddo. I will get him to talk to you later tonight."

The next day was a Monday, and college was to reopen that day. We were hailed in the assembly by the principal and I was singled out as a shining young prospect. I was happy.

Come Thursday.

"Hello. Abba?"

"Hey Kiddo !!! Good Evening. Abba has gone out for a walk brother. What's up?"

"Bhaijaan, I got selected for the Zonal Team. And guess who is the skipper. Misbah-ul-Haq. Yes, the national captain. Am I not the luckiest fellow in the entire universe?"

"Wow !!!! Well done kiddo. And many many congratulations. We will have a party for sure"

"How is Abba, Bhaijaan? When is he getting back? He was supposed to return today tomorrow?"

"Abba is doing good. He will take another week brother. Some tests to get done."

"Arrrrgh. I will die of boredom. I miss those dinner time quarrels with Abba. He just needs to quit smoking."

"Oh did I tell you he has?"

"Really? Thats some good news."

Abba did not return home after a week and I was getting increasingly pissed at Bhaijaan. Why did Abba had to go at all if he was quitting smoking?

"Hello, Nadir?"

"Bhaijaan !!! Either you send Abba home or I am reaching Lahore tomorrow."

"Abba is no more"

...

"Hello. Bhaijaan?"

"Yes kiddo. Are you ready for the debut? And you have no Nadeem here. You must be all gung-ho"

"Bhaijaan, I wish Abba was here"

"Kiddo, remember the old trunk in our attic"

"Yes, what about it?'

"Abba wanted you to have a look into it before your first Zonal match"

...

I opened the old trunk. A cricket bat with a letter attached.

"Nadir, for all the hours you put into cricket and for all the complaints you had against your bat. You are your own hero, son.

And thanks again, for living my dream."

I went into the match with my brand new Sunny Tonny.